cliterature

I don’t know how many times I have heard a nice line or two of poetry used as a ‘love poem’ and done a double-take. The thing is, a lot of these so called poems are not about loving a someone, not at all. And I am not sure who is dumber, the guy that uses them so ineptly or a female who falls for it (or male, Shakespeare’s ‘bud’–to whom the following poem was addressed–was quite possibly male). Can we show a little more erudition in this area? The first poem I would like to see banished from screen, book or–God forbid–real life wooing this this one. Allow me to explain, and translate.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

You’re hot.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;

But you’re going to get old and ugly.

But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

My poetry, however, rocks–and will last forever.

So there we have it. This icon of love poetry is in fact really about the male ego. So any man using this poem is basically say his ability to praise you is probably more important that any beauty you might–fleetingly–possess.  So let’s drop the darling buds and research a little further.  Shakespeare’s poetry did rock, but he wasn’t really a role model in terms of romance.  Or at least I doubt the wife and children he deserted to pursue his career thought he was.

 Heck, you might want to try writing your own poems.  They may suck as verse, but they will express real feelings better than soundbites from a piece of pretty egotism–and in my book it really is the thought that counts.

Sex advice: Ten things to know before you watch porn with your girlfriend by Suzi Godson

1. The vast majority of porn is made by men, for men, so don’t presume that your girlfriend will think it is a great idea. If she puts her foot down, try cajoling her with Porn for Women, by the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Co-operative, a picture book featuring good-looking guys doing housework, with captions such as “Well, I can’t offer you any solutions, but I am a good listener.”

Uh-hun. Try cajoling her with a book that has been widely and scathingly criticised for being patronising, sexist and just plain stupid. As a follow up you could ask her to make you a sandwich and get you a beer and ask if she would be interested in a threeway with her sister.

2. If she agrees to give it a go, but gets upset at the sight of you deriving sexual pleasure from the nubile porn star on screen, turn it off immediately.

Or disclose that you are actually getting off on the equine-genitaled male porn star.

3. Her greatest fear is that watching porn will deaden your appetite for cellulite that won’t shift and breasts that don’t float, so keep both eyes on her, not the porn, while you are having sex.

That’s right. Every single female in the world is neurotic about their appearance and this is the only reason they won’t like watching porn with you. Other than, for example: religious objections to salacious materials, feminist objections to objectifying women, just not liking movies, just not liking porn (lets face it, it is often poorly made), just not liking the same porn you like (let’s face it, it is a matter of taste), not wanting to admit she watched more porn than you do because you clearly like to think you are seducing some pure-minded damsel… oh, I could go on. You get the idea.

4. Don’t use porn as a way of communicating. If you want to try something different, ask her. Watching it will not persuade her to do it.

Um. Never say never. I won’t be specific but… um, exceptions do exist.

5. Instruction DVDs such as Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide To Fellatio will be taken as an insult, unless accompanied by her Expert Guide to Cunnilingus.

What does this have to do with watching porn?

6. Statements such as “ I bet you could do that way better than her” will be interpreted as manipulative.

I was promised 10 reasons. This one doesn’t count. It’s the same as #4.

7. The moral debate about female exploitation in the porn industry has never been settled. Men argue that women are not being exploited because they choose to do it, but it is a choice that educated women rarely make. Women argue that even if an actress has consented to taking part in hardcore porn, women exposed to that imagery feel violated.

So–offer to watch gay male porn with her–it only objectifies men. Either it will either lead to awkward questions, or she will open her closet and reveal it is stacked with the work of Raging Stallion Studios and Chi Chi La Rue.

8. Some women believe it is possible to reconcile feminist beliefs with porn. The porn for women network (www.pornforwomen.net) declares itself to be pro-sex and pro-women, and says that “women are sexual beings, who can be visually stimulated, and who are entitled to seek pleasure in their lives”. Its film site (www.pornmoviesforwomen.com) recommends porn by female directors. This month’s tip is Five Hot Stories For Her, a compilation of short films by Erika Lust, which won Movie of The Year at the Feminist Porn Awards 2008.

Not only is this the same as #7, but explaining this to your girlfriend would be even less smart than giving her a copy of Porn for Women. (A.k.a. do not suggest to your feminist girlfriend that you are more feminist than she is.)

9. Still, it’s one of the few industries - maybe the only one - in which women can earn more than men. They are paid up to $300 (£170) a scene, depending on the content, and men earn on average 50 per cent less. According to Forbes magazine, the porn star Jenna Jameson, and star of Zombie Strippers, made more than $30 million in 2005.

This is a reason for your girlfriend to watch it with you, or become a porn star. Or are all of the last three actually the same, reducing us to only 7 separate points?

10. Porn and philanthropy may make strange bedfellows. The adult entertainment company Adam & Eve (www.adameve.com) invests in non-profit organisations that address issues such as population growth, disease control and sex education in developing countries.

Why do porn and philanthropy make strange bedfellows? Because anyone in the sex industry is obviously immoral? Besides, lamest point of the lot: watch porn with me honey, it’s for charity

p.s. I am sorry I have to mention this again, but this is from the section — HomeLife & Style>Womenand it is ostensibly addressed exclusively to men, because that makes a lot of sense (not).